my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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