I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
