please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
