I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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