I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
