So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
