Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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