So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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