I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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