we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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