I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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