ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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