The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
