I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
