And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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