It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
