Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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