everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
