So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
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A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This toilet bowl is my home.
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