she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
