I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
