Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
