I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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