Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
