Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
