her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
