how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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