Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
