I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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