WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
