I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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