That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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