i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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