I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
