i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
