This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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