i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
