Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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