Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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