I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
