Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
