I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
