I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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