My liver just broke up with me...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
