my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
