I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
