Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
