The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
