I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
