Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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