Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
