I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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