I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
