chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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