this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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