Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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