I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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