onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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